Wednesday, February 2, 2011, 3:04 AMPlease forgive me for jambled thoughts and sentences that probably don't make sense. Last night I got the dreaded call that my dad was headed to the hospital. Anyone knowing me knows the lifestyle I've lived I have prepared myself for this moment but not like this. The dr's said he had lots of bleeding on his brain and he was likely not to live. If he did live it would not be good. He would most likely be in a vegetable state.
That first time seeing my father was one I will never forget. Tubes out of his mouth...machines basically keeping him alive. The nurses said the last thing that goes is his hearing so say all that you can to him. I didn't have long to tell him everything that I've always wanted to say....what were those things? I didn't have them rehearsed. I had thought of them many times when he was alive and well but now can't seem to think of them. The obvious....I loved him, we are here...but the main one was I begged, pleaded to a man who never told us about Jesus, only used God's name in vein & only went to church when invited...."Please put God in your heart". I kept saying that by his ear over and over wondering could he hear me...could he understand all that I was saying through my sobs.
I told him I promised to have my children eat Swans man ice cream (as he kept them fully stocked) & continue to take John Deere Tractor rides. We'd take care of the farm and most importantly take care of "Ma".
This was too early my children hardly had time w/ him. Gibby's only 9 months. Elsey being 3. Dad had recently talked about Gibby riding the tractors this summer, Elsey going fishing, building that dock for her, getting Joe to let Elsey have a kitty Dad named "Dora" just for her. Aww...to do those things. I wish we could.
I often felt he was there with us watching us watch him. I could actually feel "see" him come in the room a few times w/ his Marlbro jean jacket on, smelling like cig. smoke over powered in Perfered Stock Cologne, w/ his limp, smiling, shaking everyone's hands as they gave them a back pat. Oh how my heart smiled. In my older years every time I saw my dad my heart smiled and I had a hard time not having a grin on my face.
We made the decision to take out the breathing tube and it be. That was his true wishes. As we watched his breaths I constantly thought.."he's gone...this is his last"...only to have him take a great big breath once again. About 20 minutes seemed like a lifetime as we watched and I begged God to meet him. Then he was gone. Nurses said he had a strong heart.
I am taking some time off...might be a week...might be a few. I am not sure. Thank you everyone for your thoughts & prayers.
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